It started for the joy.
Pre-run excitement. Mid-run bliss. Post-run ecstasy.
These feelings fuled my motivation.
But I began to expect myself to run.
To log miles. To hit times. To set paces.
Meeting these expectations becsame my motivation.
It’s what drove me out the door.
I got lost in these expectations.
Until I forgot why I run.
I forgot amidst anxiety.
Angst of “needing” to run.
Guilt of missing a day.
Regret of running too slow.
Fear of failing to meet MY expectations.
Surfing reminded me.
The adrenaline. The bliss. The joy.
I stopped runnning.
And then I started again.
With NO expectations.
For the Love.
Of Myself. Of Nature. Of the people I run with.
For the Joy.
Run…Surfing Across the World?: Canggu Beach in Bali, Indonesia
The sky is clear
But I can’t see straight
My mind clouded by fear
I need to get outta here
From my problems I run
But there is no where to hide
This baggage weighs a ton
But my past can’t be undone
Take a look inside
What do do you see
It’s time to decide
Am I gonna break stride?
Somethings gotta give
If I’m being honest
I’m feeling like a fugitive
This is no way to live
With that I stop
Let the feelings arise
See what comes to the top
Its this burden I wish to drop
Friends and family near
I tell them how I feel
This history I clear
With the people I hold dear
Able now to see the sky’s dome
The night stars shine bright
They guide the way to leave home
As now I am free to roam
Running Across the World: Thorong La In the Himalayan Mountains of Nepal
I never got to run on this track in college
That angers me
I got to run on it now
But that didn’t lessen the pain at all
At first I pretended it didn’t hurt
But really it made it hurt even more
It made me face the facts
And in doing so I felt helpless
Because my opportunity has passed
I will never compete on that track in college
I was not worthy then and so I never will be
But to whom?
In whose eyes was I trying to validate my worthiness?
And for what?
What was I trying to prove?
Those are the questions I’m asking now
Running Across the Country: Stanford University in Palo Alto, CA
Gravel crushed, trails beaten, pavement pounded. Blood spilt, sweat poured, tears shed. 1k loops repeated, miles logged, races ran. All these experiences slowly recede to distant memories
But Through countless hours striding side by side, a far more permanent essence has been etched into the ethers. A bond between two brothers. The flame of friendship was lit.
Fed and tended to, the fire burned for years on end.Through the passage of time the flame has sizzled, but the embers always remain aglow.
Though appearing as deadened ashes, the smoldering always remains primed for rekindling. One spark and the flame is reignited.
Picking up right where it left off, the fire of friendship blazes brighter than ever. Illuminating the bond of true brotherhood.
Running Across the Country: Bonita 8k in Carlsbad, CA
Running a race is a gamble
Every time you toe that line you risk your pride and self esteem in hopes of achieving fame and glorification.
They say at the casinos only wager what you’re willing to lose
Are you ready to give up your egoic sense of self worth?
Only when you are willing to let go of the clinging to achievement based status will true glory be found – when success is not predicated on the outcome.
The race itself is the prize. Running this way you never lose.
Running Across the Country: Las Vegas, NV on The Strip
Each step driving energy back into Mother Earth, I reconnect with nature on every foot strike.
Whether I’ve been trapped inside my house or my mind, running puts me back in touch with reality.
It bridges the gap between who I am and what’s real – eliminating the difference between the two.
The bridge is always there, but will you run across it?
Running Across the Country: Zion National Park in Utah
I always talk about all the enjoyment running has brought me. But running has also brought me FRUSTRATION. Last year I voiced that frustration on paper. Now I’m sharing it with you.
“My struggles all started when I got sick at the end of indoor track my Junior year in High School. From outdoor track my sophomore year until then I was on fire. I Ran 4:25 for the mile outdoors my sophomore year – I remember that race like It was yesterday. Exploding around the last turn and unleashing a fury of a kick. (I beat one of my best buds who has gone onto run 4:01 (now 3:58) – hence why I believe I can be that good) All the way until Indoors junior year when before every race I used to do strides and just feel like I was floating through the air. I just always had that pop and explosion in my legs. Could get off the line faster than anyone (well, the average hs kids I was racing at the time ). Towards the end of the season I won a mile in 4:22. I led that whole race from wire to wire and ran 422 all by myself negative splitting (running the 2nd half faster) and feeling like I had more to give. I got the flu that following week. I got blood work done and looking back I tested positive for Lyme Disease. It went undiagnosed at the time. Barring an extremely rare race or two I have never felt good like that again – training wise or racing wise. Senior year in cross country I ran roughly the same times as my junior year and college has just been a shit show. Training wise I always felt wiped. Then comes all the exhausted achy legs, winded walking around campus/ up stairs, and the myriad of other symptoms (cant sleep, night sweats, constipation, cold hands/feet, brain fog, headaches, indigestion, etc.). When I would run a mile race in college I would go out in 2:10 or 2:11 for the first half mile or and just hit a wall and rig the rest of the way until I ran a 4:25 or 4:26. Makes no sense why I could float to a 4:22 in high school or run a 425 my sophomore year and now I feel like I’m running through a wall to run 426. Been that way the whole time.”
Thank You. I’ve been holding that in for a long time. It feels good to express my Frustration.